I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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