The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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