So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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