i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
