so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
