im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
