Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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