I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
