um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
