At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
