dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
