Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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