Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
