No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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