I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
