Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
he just fucked me for my cheese..
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize