Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
