Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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