so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
