Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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