It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
