that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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