Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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