Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
