Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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