Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I think my vagina is haunted
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
