If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize