she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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