just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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