One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We don't watch enough power rangers
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
