i barfeds in our rink
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
