somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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