If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
