Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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