the condom got lost in my hair
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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