how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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