I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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