My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I deserve this hangover.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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