I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
