So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
