im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
