shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
