someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
