like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I could make wine with my vomit
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
