don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
