woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
