Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i just made my gag reflex go away.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
