Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
