I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
