I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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