Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
