I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
be right there i have to get my cape
All I want is dick and wine.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
