The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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