If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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