He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
