i wish starbucks made bloody marys
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
