I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
