I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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