I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
